Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
