omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
