If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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