worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
