Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
