i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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