In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
