I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
