I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
