If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
