I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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