I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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