Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
