hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you had me at cake vodka
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think my moral compass just broke
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
