it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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