that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You're breaking my sexual little heart
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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