sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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