You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
