I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
