i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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