yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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