Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
