6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
