My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
