$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
