So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
