You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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