One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
