i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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