I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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