We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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