I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
