At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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