We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
