So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
