I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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