youre lurking in front of me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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