i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
