I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
