Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
This baby is an asshole
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
