I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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