how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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