I can text with my tongue
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I will pee on everything he values.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
