My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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