I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
