I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
