meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Someone shit on the floor
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
