I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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