Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
