...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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