Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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